Why Do I Love Him?
by Annika Wolfwood
Summary: After being criticized about her love for Miroku, Sango ponders this question deeply, hoping to silence her skeptics. [Miroku x Sango][AU, OOC]
1. Question!

**Author's Note:** Hiya readers, sorry about this mess... I decided to make a few alterations and repost this.I hope you enjoy. Chapter two will be up within the next week or so (hopefully). This is my first story, so please be gentle! By the way, FaBzZ, thank you for the favorite and the review, I really appreciate it! Blushes Anyways, onto the story...!

* * *

It all started onone sunny but cold afternoon. I got to thinking, _Why **do **I love him?_ The catalyst for such an introspective thought: Kagome. Yes, my dear friend Kagome sucker-punched me with this question as we sat next to one another outside the campus building one day. She sat cross-legged on the green grass as she gazed into the azure sky...

* * *

"Why?" She said. The corners of her lips pointed downward in a pensive scowl.

"Why what?" I asked her. I figured she was getting philosophical on me again, so I shifted to face her, expecting one of her hour-long lectures on existence. Kagome and I had been friends since we started school here. Our personalities – similar in process but different in desires – kept each other in check and overall sane. We could tell each other anything: it's more than likely she or I already experienced what the other is feeling. It was kind of a kindred spirits sort of thing.

She stared at me. There was something different about her today. It's just like there was a different aura about her today. Her eyes, too, they were different. They just seemed… darker. "Why are you with him, Sango? I just don't get it." my dear friend Kagome blurted out, a strange cringe contorting her normally lively face.

I felt a jolt course through my body, then a sinking sensation in my stomach. I always figured Miroku was well-liked within my circle of friends. I now realize that I was wrong. And honestly, I was stunned. I questioned, "What do you mean, Kagome? I thought you always liked Miroku."

Awkward silence. We were sitting together, but we are alone. The wind blew with a fearsome hollow gust that complemented the shock I felt, the hollowness in her eyes.

Breaking this silence as she shifted uncomfortably, she spoke. "Um… honestly, I wouldn't go _that _far. I really don't know what to make of him, Sango. He's… weird." She stated this matter-of-factly. A little too matter-of-factly for my liking. My pulse sped up, anger and fire flowing through my veins. _How long has she been hiding this fact? How long as she been pretending? How long? _She continued, interrupting my mental tirade. "Inuyasha and I were talking about this the other day. He's not one of us, Sango. He's so flamboyant, he's immature…"

"Hey!" I interrupted, resisting all temptation to smack some sense into her. "Have you even _tried_ to get to know him? Because though he is eccentric, he is good to me. Being my friend, you should appreciate that, if nothing else. What about Inuyasha? He's not exactly the pinnacle of maturity himself, you know."

"Inuyasha has something going for him. At least he's still in college – "

"Yeah, for the seventh year." I retorted. Kagome gave me a glare that would usually make me shudder and cower in fear, but not today. I was fired up and on a roll; I wasn't going to step down. "And for a business degree, no less! Wow! He must be aiming high!" I said with mock enthusiasm.

Kagome collected her bearings and looked at me. "Listen, Sango. You're my friend and I care about you. You're like a sister to me. I'm just saying this for your own good. How is this man going to provide for you later in life?" She shifted her position, turning towards me. "Miroku… for lack of a better phrase… lacks ambition. He's a college dropout works as a freight worker at a Wal-Mart, for God's sake! You can do so much better! You're beautiful, so smart, and funny… you can do so much better than Miroku! He just has no direction in life! That man will be a liability to anyone who marries him."

I shook my head, refusing to take in my friend's verbal assault. I love Miroku. I have for a long time. I never thought my feelings for him would be called into question… by a close friend, no less! I looked into her dark eyes one more time, desperately seeking any sort of indication that she was joking. I saw nothing. I stood up, brushing myself off physically and mentally. Finally, I asked her, "We done here? Because I'm going. I have a lot of work to get done." _And a lot of thinking to do…_

* * *

I walked away, my pain and anger deafening me to everything else in the world but my own footsteps and the rustling of the wind through the trees. 


	2. Journey Into the Past For an Answer

**Author's Note:** I'm writing much of this from a psychological perspective: the perspective of someone who is going through a nervous breakdown, so this should have a somewhat confusing element to it. If it is a bit much, I apologize. Thanks again FaBzZ for the review and the favorite. With my work on here and deviantArt receiving a rather cold reception, I was starting to get a bit discouraged, so your words mean a lot to me!

* * *

I tossed and turned later that night, Kagome's words reverberating in my head. 

_**He's not one of us … You can do so much better… no direction in life… a liability to anyone who marries him…**_

How could she… how could she think such a thing? Of course, two of my good friends disliking the one I love bothered me, that's a given; but what **_really_** pissed me off was that throughout my entire relationship with Miroku, she _pretended_ to like him. She lied!

I felt my body toss and turn as I fell into a troubled slumber.

I could have sworn that a nightmare was fast approaching, but was surprised to fall into a hazy, light, and almost trance-like dream. _I felt warm. The sun beat down on a figure as I walked up a hill and into a meadow. I could see a man standing in this field of lilies atop that hill. The wind swept his black hair majestically, and he gazed at the sun with gorgeous blue eyes. He wasn't just any man._

_He was a man none other than…_

_Koga._

_He turned and smiled at me. I started walking towards him. Then I heard a voice behind me. _

"_Sango!"_

_I turned to see Miroku running towards us, a big smile lighting up his face. Koga's smile was replaced by a terrifying scowl. The sky instantly turned black, with a volatile wind gaining momentum. A storm was on its way..._

I woke up with a start, my body soaked in a cold sweat. Sitting up on the side of my bed, I looked to my window, where booming thunder had cut my sleep short. The trees slapped and scratched the window in the fury of the storm that awoke me. I got to thinking about what caused this sudden onslaught of emotions and imagery within my dreams. What brought Koga about?

* * *

Ah, Koga. He was my first love. We were together for years, throughout high school and even through my first two years of college. I could have sworn that I was going to marry that man. He was good to me, if not a little possessive. Scratch that – _very _possessive. I was always "his girl." I found it flattering at the time. Really, it thrilled me. Before Koga came along, I was just... I don't know. I didn't really strike the fancy of the other guys I grew up around. The tomboy that I was, they must've seen me as "one of the guys," a harsh memory and a nightmare all in itself. Men don't like women who can fight with the big boys, I surmised. But I digress, I'm ranting. 

Koga and I had a friendship like none other. We talked about everything under the sun and were always together. I guess we were in love and nothing outside our little town mattered. After college started, however, I slowly came to the realization that there's a whole other world and a whole other life to be led outside my hometown.

After that, I started to realize other things. And these things really got to me.

Here's one of the problems that bothered me the most: Koga and I had nothing in common. All he did was talk about cars, something that never truly interested me. He lived for them. Now that I think about it, one time he nearly kicked me out of his car for spilling my drink all over the floor. What can I say? I'm clumsy and we hit a speed bump. After my classes were over he'd usually drag me to his place, where he and his roommates Ginta and Hakkaku would talk about vehicles and such things nonstop. Really, I felt like an outsider in my own skin. It was as though they spoke their own language and I was just a trophy that stood there and looked pretty… and not very pretty at that. But my self-esteem issues are a totally different concern.

And the mind games. Always with the mind games. I once told him of my curiosities of the world, about leaving the area, exploring the world, about dating and so on, just to gauge his reaction… not good. His face took on an ungodly shade of white and told me flat out, "You're my girl. I won't set you free without a fight!" I had started to notice other guys at school to whom I was attracted, and I started to get curious. His reaction to my blunt and sometimes brutal honesty was not reassuring… and I was starting to get a little afraid. I brought up the subject of dating other people every now and again. At first these suggestions were mere hints, then hours-long discussions, and finally full-blown arguments. During one argument, I said, "Koga, you need to cool off! I'm leaving!" and to this he replied, "Fine. Go ahead and leave, Sango. Just hand me a knife on your way out. I'll have some fun playing around with it." His poorly veiled suicide threats frightened me into staying for another six months. I could not let Koga harm himself. I could not let myself be the cause of Koga's demise. I cared too much for him and would never let it happen, even if my own happiness was at stake, so I stayed. He showered me with gifts and was by my side constantly. He was happy, so I was happy. My mind convinced me I was happy. But why did I feel ugly and evil? No one else would want me if I left. At this point, the self-hatred was intense beyond words; I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I was ugly. So ugly. My heart was telling me a story about myself.

_**He placed me on a pedestal and showered me with gifts… one of them was a beautiful golden necklace I always wore… it was in the design… of a noose…**_

Then the weight loss began. I couldn't keep food down. The pounds seemed to fly away, but the color flew from my face and the energy from my body. Even uglier.

My friends… at this point, they didn't feel like my friends. It's not like I ever saw them. I never had a chance, really. Then one of my audacious best friends, Kagura, told me that she and Kikyo were worried about me. "He's a possessive bastard, Sango! Get rid of him. I know you're not happy. Do what makes you happy!" She said as she gently shook my shoulders. Kikyo simply nodded. She was always a quiet one, but I understood. She had come from a rough childhood and an adolescence plagued by severe depression. Funny, Kagura had endured the same problems, but they turned out to be two totally opposite personalities. Now that I think about it, Kikyo and Kagura were always there for me. And I let them down.

So ugly. It's like I was a monster; I hated myself! The workings of my mind at that time are a mystery to me now. It's like I was another person.

And then Koga started talking of marriage… within the next few years, no less. I was terrified.

_**The necklace seemed to tighten as time went by… I was a little uncomfortable and starting to choke a little bit, but I was fine. Really.**_

I told him to settle down, take things slowly. I definitely wasn't ready for that kind of thing. Still being a nineteen-year-old dreaming with my head in the clouds about the big world, I wouldn't be a good enough wife for him. I truly believed this; I hated myself, I really did. My heart and soul were so ugly. I felt ugly and dead.

And then I met Miroku.

* * *

Our friendship started immediately when we met in class one day. He was so accepting and outgoing. This contrasted my shy and meek nature very strongly, so I couldn't help but enjoy his company. The young theology major had the uncanny ability to make me laugh like no other. I would laugh until my sides ached. I hadn't had a good laugh in so long; I was simply amazed by how he could make me laugh. He could make me smile. I found him attractive, too. His dark eyes were so warm and kind. And he smiled so BIG. His smile was truly contagious. His voice was of a sexy deep timbre. I loved to hear him talk and sing. His talent simply amazed me. Our friendship was strong from the start. However, he was a flirty letch. I was taken, so it didn't bother me. Koga had no problems with him, either. "Ha!" he once told one of his friends, "That Miroku's pretty damn dumb and ugly to boot. He may be a womanizer, but I doubt I have to worry about him and my girl." 

Our creative writing class called for some group competitions, and with our creative powers, Miroku and I made a very formidable team, slaughtering countless assignments. We were in speech together, too, and we exterminated the various masses of competitors. I was a slayer at heart. With our time together increasing, it was obvious that sparks started to fly. Miroku flirted with me, but it was a different kind of flirting. He not only saw me as attractive, but he also held a profound respect for me, something I didn't encounter very often and to which I was not accustomed. This was something I could sense; Miroku wasn't always up front with his feelings. He continued to flirt with other women, of course. But now it started to bother me. Why? I would ask myself. It's not as though he loves me. So why am I so upset? As I sat in class one particular day, for no reason at all, tears started falling down my face when I thought of Miroku. It was then I realized that I was seriously in love with him. I took no action, as I was still with Koga, but I thought about Miroku all the time. It wasn't fair to Koga to keep this from him. I had to tell him. I had to break it off, no matter what.

I prayed day after day for the courage and strength to go through with it. I consulted one of the most important men in my life: Kohaku. "What am I supposed to do? I can't do this!" I cried to him. His advice resonated in my head.

"Sis, I love you. Even if Koga hates you after this, I still love you. And I want you to be happy. You have to follow your heart and do what makes you happy. It's unfair to you _and_ Koga living this way. You're living a lie." I had to do it… if not for me, then for Koga.

"WHAT? WHY!" Koga asked me, tears brimming in his blue eyes.

"I can't do this anymore, Koga. I've changed, and I just can't do it anymore. It's not fair to you and I'm sorry. There's someone else." After he cried a while, in a fit that broke my heart, he seemed to be alright. There was another thing I had to do. I had to tell Miroku how I felt and pray he felt the same. A few days of awkward silence later, I found Miroku sitting on the stairwell outside his dorm, looking at the stars…

"Miroku…?"

"Sango?" he replied, smiling at me.

"How do you feel…"

"… how do I feel?" He repeated with a gesture of his hand, goading me to continue.

"How do you feel… about me?"

His smile faded, a serious look glimmered in his eyes. I had never seen him truly serious up until this point. With the exception of my cry-about-my-relationship sessions, that is. He took my hands in his, an ungodly blush enveloped my face. I looked at the ground with widened eyes. "I will be completely open and honest with you, Sango." He said as my heart pounded. "Ever since I met you, I knew you were different. I've never cared about a woman the way I care for you. I have feelings for you that I can't describe, and it goes way beyond physical attraction. And believe me, you are _very _attractive, Sango. I respect you like none other. We have this indescribable connection, you and I. You seem to understand me better than anybody else. But…"

My heart sank. My world turned to black. I became very dizzy.

"… I cannot love you right now. I mean, I cannot _express _my love for you right now. It is not an opportune time, and it is not appropriate. You just got out of a several-year-long relationship, and you're wounded. You need time to heal."

I could not control the tears that were welling in my eyes. I deserved this. I dumped a great guy like Koga and now I'm getting played. "I understand." I turned to walk away.

"Sango?"

"I've got to go." I said, or should I say, choked out. As I turned to walk away – again – he grabbed my wrist gently and twirled me around to face him, our faces merely inches away from one another.

"Give it time. If you feel the same way after that, I'd be more than happy to be with you. But for now, you need to focus on strengthening yourself, physically and mentally. I want you to be the strong, independent woman that I know you were before Koga. I know you can do it; I know that you capable of it. You're so strong-spirited, you have no idea what you're capable of; see the world, do what you want to do. You're free. Like the wind itself." He said with a smile. He knew and I knew that it was best for now.

I threw myself in his arms as tears fell down my face, "I love you, Miroku!" A tint of pink occupied his cheeks and he smiled, somewhat sheepishly. He said nothing, but I knew. I knew he felt the same way.

* * *

I started my walk home that night feeling more relieved and lighthearted than I had felt in years. But for some reason, I felt this ominous foreboding deep within my chest. What could it be? I would soon figure it out. 

"So **_that's_** who this 'someone else' is."

I felt chills run up and down my spine as Koga's strong voice froze me in place from behind. The pungent odor of tequila followed his words as I turned around to face him. My heart started to pound ferociously. There was no one to be seen; I was only a couple yards from my own dormitory, but I was too scared to even run. And now Koga's firm grasp on my wrist sealed me in place. "What are you talking about?"

"He's no good, Sango. I don't want you to see him. I don't want you going near him, I don't want you talking to him. If you do, I **_will _**know about it. I have eyes all over this college." He warned me.

_**Then, with a sudden, intense and violent ferocity, Koga kicked the pedestal out from underneath me. I felt the air escape my lungs and the bones in my neck start to crunch and grind. Everything was fading to black really quickly…**_

Then I heard a voice as sets of footsteps approached. "What the hell's going on here?"

He let go of my wrist and brusquely ran off. I turned to see Kagura and Kikyo walking outside. All I could do was stand there and shake. "We were going to go for a walk; we've been doing our damn homework all night, so we needed a study break. Then we saw **him** out here." Kagura stated.

"Yes." Kikyo added. "Are you alright, Sango? We've been so afraid for you!"

Kikyo and Kagura stood on either side of me, supporting me as they led me inside. "Yes." I whispered. "I'll be fine."

* * *

The next morning, as I walked to class, I bumped into Miroku. The sky was overcast, and yet he wore sunglasses. His bottom lip was fattened with a small vertical gash on it. My thoughts shifted to last night. I approached him, my heart heavy, laden with concern. "What happened to you?" I asked in a frantic whine, a by-product of my failure in keeping a cool head. 

"It's okay, Sango." He simply smiled, "I don't believe that violence is necessary. Unless you're dealing with a drunken Koga." He chuckled somewhat sadly, probably because he was not one to use his fists to settle a score. He was more than likely disappointed in himself for fighting back.

"This is all my fault. I'm so sorry, Miroku…" I mumbled. _Damn, _I thought. I felt the tears burning at my eyes.

He hugged me. "Don't blame yourself, Sango. An altercation was bound to happen sooner or later…"

* * *

The rest of that semester was stressful, but passed nonetheless. Koga left town and I haven't spoken to him since that night. Miroku and I kept in touch over the summer and began dating that winter. 

It has been a great two and half years for us. Now a fifth-year double-majoring senior, my life is finally showing some promise. I looked at myself in the mirror. A broad and sincere smile came to light across my once pale, downtrodden features. It was then I noticed that the all-powerful aura of happiness surrounding me. Looking down at the floor, my head jerked up.

_Why do I love him? _

**I had found my answer.**

* * *

**Author's Note:** Sorry it took so long to update. Please review. I'm still a little discouraged with my reception here and on deviantArt so please, patronize me? Wields huge puppy dog eyes... 


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